How To "Choose Happy"

As a lifelong pessimist.

One thing about me is: I’m a glass half-empty kinda gal.

I, like many of us, learned very early on in life that while Mick Jagger’s life choices have been questionable over the decades, he got one thing very right. “You can’t always get what you want.” Despite all your mightiest efforts and burning desires, there are simply countless elements at work outside of your control that can — and often will — lead to disappointment, heartache, pain, and all the not-so-fun things this beautiful life can offer up.

So, at some point, I decided to set the bar low.

And with every tear, sleepless night and explosive reaction that resulted from being the grown up “child with big feelings” that I inherently am, I’d take that bar down just one more notch.

Wah, wah, I know. But I promise this is leading somewhere far less bleak, just bear with me.

All of the above does not mean I’ve walked around depressed and unable to celebrate the many wins and joys I’ve had the good fortune of experiencing in my 30-some odd years on this planet. It just means, I intentionally set myself up to expect them less and less in an attempt to spare myself from impending doom, aka depression, if/when they didn’t happen.

And it means, I’m honest.

I read an anonymous quote the other day that said, “I don’t trust liars, therefore I do not trust overly happy people. They’re just hiding their insecurities on the inside.”

While my initial reaction was to chuckle because I can totally relate to that belief system — I’m not sure I want to subscribe to that narrative anymore. Though, until very recently, I whole-heartedly did. Just like I used to believe that seeing the glass half-empty was setting myself up to be pleasantly surprised instead of gut-wrenchingly disappointed.

If TikTok’s taught me anything, it’s that unique experiences don’t exist so I’m fairly certain opting for this half-empty mentality was a pretty textbook coping mechanism for a kid with big dreams, a sub-par parent and undiagnosed ADHD. And who isn’t one, if not all of the above, these days?

The thing is, after a long time of believing I was viewing myself, my life, the world and others in it as half-empty to spare myself disappointment, I realized I’d begun to approach all of it already disappointed. Leaving less and less room for things to “pleasantly surprise” me.

This chosen perspective had subconsciously become my general demeanor — both of which are two of the very few things in our lives we have complete control over. Guess I can’t keep blaming daddy issues for that one.

I mean, I could. And I have, many times. But I’m a big girl now and blah, blah, blah. The truth is, the only one suffering the consequences of letting my half-empty perspective cloud the glass entirely is me. And the family I’ve chosen and created.

I’m not sure what the catalyst was for me taking this hard look in the mirror as 2024 came to a close but it all amalgamated in a realization that I’d begun to let me fear of failure stop me from putting myself out there and trying new professional endeavors. I’d let my fear of loneliness and disappointment stop me from nurturing existing relationships and making new friends. I’d let all of my fears, insecurities and anxieties prevent me from actually enjoying what was already in my glass and the possibility of what more could be added.

Not only was I a pessimist but I had become quicker to snap, paralyzed with self-doubt and overwhelm and so consumed by stress and frustration and all the icky, negative bits of the human experience that I truly was not experiencing happiness in my life anymore.

The weirdest part of it all? I was so happy with and grateful for my life and everything in it.

I make a living doing all kinds of creative shit I absolutely love and have dreamt of doing since I was a kid with no boss breathing down my neck, co-worker politics at play or 9-5 schedule to be limited by.

I am married to my best friend in the whole world who also happens to be hot as fuck, makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met and loves me unconditionally to an extent I didn’t think existed.

I have two gorgeous kids who are so kind and loving and conscientious and hilarious and want nothing more than my attention and love.

I have more than what we need when it comes to the necessities like food, shelter and clothes on our back and most importantly of all, we’re all healthy.

And I’m not saying this to be obnoxious or toot my own horn or make anyone reading feel less than. I’m writing it all down so I can see it. Because I think if we all looked at the highlights of our current status on paper, we’d be pretty chuffed with what we saw. There’s that whole perspective thing again.

So back to my piece of paper… WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I UNHAPPY ABOUT, AGAIN?!

Nothing. Literally nothing. So, can someone please tell that to my brain?

Oh right, that’s my job. Ugh.

That’s what I realized as I wrapped up an amazing year riddled with stress and anxiety and overwhelm. I’d spent all these years choosing to lower the bar of expectation and maintaining a glass half-empty perspective to spare myself from impending doom and it hadn’t worked. It had actually started to work against me. I’d sort of become the doom and gloom and that energy was a massive limitation for what I’m able to manifest for my future and what I can experience today.

We all know tomorrow isn’t promised. Which is ironically, where a lot of my anxiety stems from. If tomorrow’s not promised, what can I shoulder today to check one more dream or goal off my personal laundry list and leave my family in the best possible position if I’m not around tomorrow? So I keep doing, keep hustling, keep worrying, keep stressing. Schedules and to-do-lists and feeling “on edge”, oh my… God!

Oh my god. I’ve been looking at the glass all wrong.

What would my family be most upset about, if I didn’t have a tomorrow? Sure, there’d be a ton of logistics and concerns to sort through over time but what would be the only thing on their minds if that day came tomorrow? Simple. Losing me.

And what — if there is an after-life where I maintained conscious thought about my current life — would I be most upset about, if I didn’t have tomorrow? Simpler. Leaving them.

So, I started to take inventory at the end of each day and asking myself, brutally honestly, “if I didn’t wake up tomorrow, would I be proud of how my family experienced my last day with me?” and “would I be satisfied with how I experienced my last day with me?” I hate to admit a lot of those days, the answer to those questions wasn’t ideal.

Then, I broke it down further. I began taking inventory more regularly in moments throughout the day. With work or the kids or my husband and even, strangers at the grocery store. Did I need to be stressed about that situation or could I have made a different choice in that moment? Did I need to be anxious or reactive or annoyed or mentally elsewhere? Or was that an impulsive choice that could’ve been re-directed to a more present experience, intentional reaction and pleasant feeling for all involved?

When you break down the day into moments and you start to consciously make choices that make more moments more pleasant for yourself and those around you, it’s amazing how that habit starts to shift your overall perspective and demeanor.

Don’t get me wrong. I will never be the kind of person that shits sunshine and rainbows. It’s not in my blood. And I’m not expecting to miraculously feel joy > anxiety 24/7 immediately. And I’d be bold face lying if I said I wasn’t still a moody cunt to those closest to me *cough* my husband *cough* from time to time.

BUT I now believe that I can choose to feel happy.

Feelings co-exist and it’s normal to have negative ones or reactive moments. I know that sometimes there will be no other way to feel or react in a moment and that’s okay. But a lot of the time, my default factory setting has been pessimistic when it could just as easily be positive… if I maintain the wherewithal to choose it.

For some, allowing themselves to feel happy and truly enjoy life comes more naturally than others. I am other. For now, it requires a conscious choice and effort — and some days, hard work. Lifestyles are just habits that become second-nature and forming habits is a diligent practice. So, until it’s second-nature and truly enjoying this beautiful life becomes my default style, I will choose happy.

At least, that’s the intention. Sounds easy on paper. Wish me luck putting it into practice. I have a funny feeling I’ll need it some days!

P.S. I’m brand spanking new to this space and wanted to share this piece so you could get a strong, nerve-wrackingly honest impression of who I am, how I write and sound in my audio readings before hopping into the proverbial Substack bed with me and upgrading your subscription to paid. If you’re inclined to stick around for the ride by choosing to upgrade, thank you for supporting my work! Excited to pouring my heart and soul into serving this growing community in 2025!!